The winter cold has brought a stillness to the farm. I have returned from the city after a very early morning trip to get groceries and animal feed before the arrival of an atypical, widespread snow storm. I fed horses in the dark before leaving and set the dogs in the living room on multiple comforters. I called friends who live on the mountain above me, by the infamous pass and found out that it is closed, as expected.
I am now sitting quietly in a barely warm house, conserving propane and drinking lots of hot chocolate and hot tea. Breaking the ice on the horses' water tubs will be necessary every couple of hours. I dry my gloves by the heater vent for the next excursion outdoors. I stand by the front window and watch the steam from my cup make fog on the glass that, soon, runs down the pane in tear-like drops... it is an odd day in the high desert.
I can't find my motivation. There are things that need doing in this house. Many, many things. My companion, Jer, has moved out and is setting up his new life on the mountain not too far from here. I have my home all to myself... with 4 dogs. I have plans and visions and hopes that seem to sit at the bottom of my soul like sediment in the cup, now empty of chocolate. I am not sad, I am not upset. I am stuck in neutral.
Maybe that's okay after so much happening for so long in my life. Maybe ignoring the phone and ignoring the dirty dishes and ignoring the small stuff is just fine today. Maybe, if I just sit in neutral a bit, I'll recover some inspiration and be ready to put my life into the next gear. Just perhaps, that is what this very wintery day is for. If not, I have only wasted a day. All the cleaning will still be there to do. All the important things - caring for my Mom, breaking ice for the horses, feeding them extra hay and warm mashes, letting dogs in and out, running water through the faucets every hour to keep the lines from freezing, writing my next column for the newspaper, and so on - those things will get done. Hmmm, THAT is my life in neutral!
